Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sitting at the computer enjoying a cup of my morning decaf as the overwhelming urge to cry takes over my body. I try desperately to find an answer, to get to the bottom of what it is that has brought me to this weaken state. But there is no one answer. This is becoming a daily if not multiple times a day occurrence. Wanting to cry that is. Each time I fight the urge and find something else to bury myself into. After all, I am a homeschooling mom and I don't have time for crying.
Our homeschooling journey has been ongoing for about 2 months. We have been experiencing more downs then ups. I believe I am doing something wrong. How can this be? Homeschooling is suppose to be fun. I should be able to enjoy my time with my children and helping them learn. I have done what I thought to be a good amount of research before beginning and I honestly thought I was prepared. What I was, was clueless. Clueless to the reality of what really happens. Many if not most of the homeschool blogs and websites I looked at depicted homeschooling as this constant loving, warm environment. So what am I doing wrong. I want that glorified homeschooling experience that many of the bloggers post about. I want that!
Why don't I have that? The answer is two parts. First, I honestly am coming to the conclusion that homeschooling is NOT what it is being portrayed as. I believe that all homeschool families have ups and just as many downs as the next person. They just choose not to air their problems or issues and to focus strictly on the good. As for myself, I wish I was a little more prepared for the battle of homeschooling. I wish I had come across a blogger who blogged the truth about the daily struggles of homeschooling.
Gone are the days of waking early, getting the kids ready and dropping them off at school for most of the day. Gone is the time I had to run my errands and get all the things accomplished on my to do list. Gone is the life I had and as hard as it is to admit, I am mourning the loss of that life. I miss my sanity. I miss being in control.
My reality is this... Homeschooling is hard. I have put so much focus on Mr. C and helping him to get to where he needs to be, that I have neglected giving Miss C the help and attention that I want her to have. Reality is, my house is not as clean as I would like. Reality is, even though I don't feel stressed, I am. Reality is, I have lots of fun things I want to do with the kids, but we can't find the time. Reality is, cooking dinner has become more of a chore than something I love to do. Reality is, Miss D and I don't get the time together that we use to have. Reality is, I am exhausted.
But he said to me, "My grace is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Reality is, I am weak. Reality is, there are only one set of footprints in the sand. Reality is, this experience is bring me closer to GOD. Reality is, this is all a work in progress. Reality is, Mr C despite our many ups and downs is making wonderful progress and I believe he is beginning to have a love for reading (sshh don't tell him I said that). Reality is, my kids love being homeschooled, despite us having bad days. Reality is, this is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life and as hard as it is, I don't regret it. Reality is, I am finding out a lot about myself and am working on changing me. Reality is, this is my reality. This is my life.
I have always said that I live my life with no regrets. Everything that happens, good or bad, is a learning experience. I am closing the door on the way life was and embracing life the way it is now. I am not alone in this journey and GOD has brought me here for a reason. It is not my place to know what his reasoning is, but I shall embrace this journey and keep an open mind.