Monday, August 27, 2012


I have been trying to write this post for what seems like forever now and it gets more and more difficult each time I sit and type. I have no problem when it comes to writing my other posts. This post is different, more painful and forces me to admit what I have kept hidden for so many years from friends and family, with the exception of my wonderful husband.

Our mind can be our own worst enemy. As a child I can remember hearing boys/men say, "Look at the mother and you will know what the daughter will look like in 20 years". This has stuck with me my entire life and is embedded in my brain. My biological mother is just under or about 5 feet tall and on the chunky side. Almost everyone on my maternal side is "big boned" with the exception of my grandmother. As for the sperm donor, he is tall and thin at 6'7". I was blessed to get caught in the middle between them and am 5'7".

In my eyes, I have never been as thin as I would like. There have been many times though where I have been comfortable with my weight. With my first daughter I gained 60 lbs and I was able to lose some of it. When my son came along I gained 40 and managed to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I then gained 40 with my youngest daughter and was able to get 20lbs off. None of this has helped with my self-esteem.

I can't believe I am doing this! Breathe.... breathe...... Not am I only going to admit something completely painful, but I am putting it out there for the whole world to see and know. I have an eating disorder. I binge eat, late at night. This is not your typical pig out late at night after everyone goes to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and find myself standing in the kitchen eating, usually it is something sweet. I have no memory of getting out of bed or eating any of what I ate, but just find myself standing in the kitchen with food in my hand. I have gotten up in the morning to get hubby's breakfast/lunch ready so he can go to work and I find a mess of my nightly feast, yet, I remember none of it. Can we say scary. There have been a few occasions when my husband has heard me eating at night and he has had to stop my from eating and get me back to my bed.

I have an eating disorder. I use the word "have" rather than had because I believe that once you have a disorder, you will always have it. You man learn to keep it under control or keep it at bay, but in the end, it is and always be there. My nightly feast do not occur every night and I still have not been able to pinpoint what triggers them. I can go six months without an episode. I know this because even though I don't remember the feast there is almost always some indication that the pig out occurred, i.e. wrappers in the trash, containers on the counter rather than where it belongs. Those kinds of things. I think it is my subconscious letting me know what happened. As of this writing, I honestly don't remember when the last time it happened. That is a good thing, right.

I have not talked to or seen a doctor, nor do I really want to. My weight is a very touchy subject with me and I am frustrated with it. I know I am overweight, fat, obese whatever you want to call it. It is a fact and I know it. I have had three gym memberships in the past 11 years and I stuck with them for about three months and then it just seemed more of an inconvenience. The gyms are so crowded it and it can be difficult to find time in between life, kids and family. I am not making excuses, I am stating the facts as I see them.

Dieting, have I tried dieting? Yep. Did it work? Nope. When I tell myself I cannot eat certain things or I have to limit my breads and cheeses I go crazy. Seriously, I go crazy. I am like an addict waiting for the next fix. I began to sneak and I become almost obsessed with eating what I should not be eating. If I don't tell myself I can't eat those things I am totally fine. I don't want to be a lifetime dieter. I want to be able to enjoy life and food. I also have Hypothyroid. My Thyroid does not work on its own. I take a pill every morning to replace what the thyroid isn't making.

With all the rave happening around P90x I took a look at it and it is not for me. I don't want to kill myself or burn out before I truly get started. I did feel that Beachbody, the makers of P90x, was onto something and I checked out the reviews for the P90 system. I am over 200 lbs and I can't do a whole lot of hard core stuff without my knees killing me. P90 had great reviews. I bought it and was super excited to try it.

P90 arrived and it was completely do able for me. Yes it was difficult at times and yes it challenged me. But it didn't discourage me. I never felt like there was anything that I could not do that they did in the videos. My routing became up at 4:30a get hubby off to work and P90 at 5am. I enjoyed it. I was having more energy and felt better. I was not losing the weight that I had expected. I did not do any of the supplements that are suggested. I have a hard enough time taking my Thyroid medication. Not seeing weight loss was disappointing. Though I wasn't losing pounds, I was losing inches. My clothes are fitting differently an I can see the difference when I look in the mirror.

I was able to do 45 days of P90 before I fell off the wagon. Family vacation got in my way. We decided to homeschool and my schedule some how got loss in the shuffle of life. Yes, I am making excuses for myself to comfort me in once again failing myself. Last night I treated myself to Cold Stone's ice cream with the promise to get back on schedule.

This morning I sent hubby off to work and headed for the bedroom, not to go back to sleep, even though I really wanted to, but to get my P90 workout video. My workout is complete and I feel good. I need to do this for myself. I need to put myself first. I started this post by saying as a child I can remember hearing boys/men say, "Look at the mother and you will know what the daughter will look like in 20 years". I am me, I am not anyone else and I don't have to look like or be the same size/shape as my mother. I am tired of being trapped in this body because of some stupid saying. Wish me luck.

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